Your Husband is Cheating on
you ??
You must be feeling very awful and probably
are swimming in a pool of helplessness feelings. I really
feel for you.
Look at what you have learned. You are here so you must
have proven already within the realm of "balance
of probability" that your husband is having an
extramarital affairs in its incipient stage.In Civil
/ Family law, you do not have to prove this "beyond
a doubt". That you are unhappy with the facts of
his behaviour is sufficient for you to take remedial
action.
If you have decided that is the case
for certain, I want to get you focused on some next
best steps considering you already know plenty and don't
need to learn much more about your spouse's frivolity.
And that's what it is: frivolous.
Don't despair. You can take charge
of your situation; bring some personal control to the
matter; and arrive at a satisfactory repair of your
marriage. You know what the alternatives are so I will
focus on helping you construct a plan to bring wellness
back into your marriage.
In most states and provinces watching and besetting
another person is a criminal offence in the misdemeanor/summary
offence category. It has good reason; avoiding a breach
of the peace avoiding family violence in other words
the extramarital affairs. The law tends to frown on
people doing their own matrimonial sleuthing inasmuch
as it would include surveillance. The reason for this
is that motivation is already present and if a confrontation
erupts there is the makings of a premeditated violent
crime. The law seeks to prevent its occurrence and deals
with incipiency very harshly. Solution: Do all the digging
and legwork you want but get a professional person in
your local area to do your actual tailing and surveillance
if needed.
It is so often stated this way. The straying spouse
claims to want to stay in the marriage and had no intention
of leaving it but got "tangled up" somehow.
If you believe your spouse loves you and has some commitment
to staying within the bounds of marriage and further,
seems to know the rules and has told you he has made
a conscious decision to "not go outside the marriage",
then look at the positive side of extramarital affairs.
Too often the problem is some life-passage-related quirks
for which a vent has been found.
Think of this. Dieing really sucks.
Facing that reality while still very much alive can
cause some fairly extreme behaviour. Seemingly without
reason. The victim hasn't a clue why he/she behaves
that way. The fleeting glimpse of the obvious one comes
face to face with at some point in mid-life, the facing
of immortality causes some people's ID and Ego to go
berserk in search for youthfulness. There is a grave
risk that the aftermath of a mid-life crisis sees one
with nothing of the true assets built up in the first
half of life. It can otherwise be a good thing of extramarital
affairs. Certainly, above all, a person suffering a
mid-life crisis can be extremely vulnerable.
All humans are weak and those weaknesses
have focus points that some persons have an uncanny
knack for detecting and focusing on, when in conquest,
say for example, when a woman has decided to target
a male who is married women. There are lots of social
anthropological studies done in this area. Search if
you would like to understand this better thru google,
Lycos or whatever.
married looking at your spouse and
correspondent, you are dealing with two people who are
now stepping outside the bounds of 'niceness'; past
playing by the rules. Your spouse is being very foolish
and irresponsible etc.
If you have decided you want to bring
your spouse back into a properly constituted matrimonial
framework, then you must have no concern about his correspondent.
None whatsoever. Forget her. As he must, you must as
well. He must break his connections with this person.
Believe What You Know
When a spouse has a secret extramarital
affairs, they develop deviant, dishonest, sneaky skills.
You would hardly believe you knew this person if you
knew it all: the games that are played to avoid detection.
Don't argue the extramarital affairs with your spouse.
Your spouse has been deceiving you and is lying to you
about the matter and you can't know what is and what
isn't truthful among the things he tells you. There
is very little point in you discussing anything of this
matter with him. Why would you continue to negotiate
or arbitrate on your own with a person who has already
established a set of ground rules that has untruthfulness
as a basis? Your mode is now action oriented and you
need some outside assistance.
Don't accept "We are just friends." That you
are unhappy with the facts of his behaviour is sufficient
for you to take remedial action. The alleged platonic
relationship is apparently not platonic. Trust your
senses. It has become immaturely intimate.
Betrayal is the most important issue
You need to ask yourself what you want to do about the
fact that your spouse is carrying on outside the marriage.
Ask yourself, on the evidence, is this just a fairly
frivolous extramarital affairs and not a deep emotional
thing? Are you prepared to vacate the marriage? I would
guess that you don't know what you want to do. Further,
marriages usually survive extramarital affairs if there
is no significant emotional betrayal. Otherwise they
don't, quite honestly. I am sure you are not quite ready
to accept that statement right now, because surely you
are very angry. But make these thoughts the underlying
root for hope and some positive solution-oriented action.
If you are concluding the above as I am then you need
to find solutions that will return happiness and wellness
to the matrimonial relationship; 'rehabilitate', your
spouse who seems to be living in a false paradigm; and
give him a new set of rules and understandings as well
as proactive ingredients for making a marriage and a
family work properly.
Action Oriented Solutions In Four Key Steps
-
It's time to build a help group or SUPPORT TEAM
FOR YOU. Consult with your lawyer and your family
doctor as well as family members and so on. Build
a support team. Be truthful; take the high road;
do not lie or exaggerate to any persons who are
members of your support team. Remember: DON'T
BRING THE FIGHT TO THESE PEOPLE, BRING YOUR QUEST
FOR ADVICE AND SOLUTIONS. Illicit their support.
Try not to be acrimonious in the face of other
people. If you need to "dump" some emotions,
see a councilor for yourself, on your own. That's
where you can best take your hard feelings and
lay them out and deal with them. And of course,
a close family member, Aunt, Mom whoever; anyone
you may find to be helpful and supportive.
-
Locate on your own what you think would be an
acceptable source for family/marriage counseling.
Check it out, meet the councilor alone and generally
make sure you find what YOU want and a rapport
that suits your self.
-
Having located a good marriage councilor that
you like, make arrangements to see this person
together with your spouse on short notice.
-
Confront your spouse. Inform him what you know
as in the aforementioned four points on credibility
and as follows:
a) You know he is lying to you
about the matter and you don't know what is and
what isn't truthful among the things he tells
you so you refuse to accept any further explanations
or excuses.
b) The alleged platonic
relationship is not platonic; it has become intimate.
c) Your husband, insofar
as civil law is concerned, is liable to your action
under the various matrimonial statutes where adultery
is an issue of law.
d) His betrayal of
you is the most important issue. And...
e) You insist on immediate
cessation of the illicit relationship [no further contact]
and immediate attendance before a marriage councilor
with a view to creating an extensive remedial plan,
long term, for his rehabilitation and the re-constitution
of the marriage.
